


Lincoln The Hamburger Hero!

by Blueperson2021



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Parody, superhero au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:07:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28405251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueperson2021/pseuds/Blueperson2021
Summary: Royal Woods has suffered a rising crime rate for too long- it's time someone made a stand and a certain Platinum Blond who has read way too many comics is just the 'man' for the job!Come and witness the boy, the legend; Lincoln The Hamburger Hero as he tussels with trauma, trouble and hoping to whatever deity will listen that no one finds out what he does at night or he'll never live it down!
Kudos: 2





	1. The Secret of The Drawer!

**Author's Note:**

> Nuuo took the hamburger gag from a previous Oneshot and started making jokes about Lincoln's drawer from LAT actually containing his superhero equipment from when he goes out as a hamburger themed vigilante.  
> What if it was the truth?

Lincoln sighed on his bed, there was a spot that was still a bit warm from where Lynn had sat.

Where she'd sat before she'd slipped up and that she and Luna were just manipulating him all day.

All because he'd shut himself away for a week.

It's been nice before then, sure he was steamed up after Luna forgot about him to go suck face with her girlfriend again, but they'd had a little fun before that. Then Lynn had seemed to be helping him through stuff right up until-

Until she revealed that they weren't being nice to him because they missed him, they were just doing the hive mind thing again and it was him vs them. They were back to the old routine of ganging up on him, and nothing he could do would change their minds…

He glared at the locked drawer, it was all it's fault; the stuff inside was what had driven his sisters to hating him again.

If only…

He'd never taken up the mask.

It took only a moment to stamp over, pop in the code and open the drawer. Inside was a uniform and equipment, and more importantly a red cowl with a hamburger bun like top to cover his distinctive hair. It had all started a few weeks ago when he'd decided to try and take a bite out of the rising crime rate, but things had gotten out of control fast and fighting grown men as a scrawny Eleven year old in a makeshift mask without actual superpowers?

That was a _bad_ idea.

Fortunately Lisa had had a solution; as the resident mad scientist she had spent a whole two hours on a superpowered formula back when she was bored. Unfortunately it only lasted for an hour or so, and for whatever reason (he suspected she was trolling him) only worked if applied as a sauce to reasonably fresh Hamburgers.

She also insisted that he wear the Hamburger themed costume; "for authenticity elder sibling unit" she'd declared with a twitching mouth. Given that she was the source of his temporary power up, calling her out wasn't really in the cards.

Dad had caught him sneaking back in at night, but rather than make him stop he'd seem escstatic that his only son was doing something athletic for once, but he was also certain that his wife would certainly put a stop to the caped crusading. Thus; how this all came together.

It wasn't exactly the Fortress of Solitaire, but it was his. And it was the only thing that stopped his sisters from finding out that he was….

* * *

_"The Royal Woods vigilante commonly known as Burger Brawler was seen earlier this-"_

_"Lame!" Lynn snorted, and switched over the T.V. channel to a sports game._

_"Hey!" Lincoln protested from between Lori Leni and Luna, "I wanted to watch that-"_

_Luna sighed "Dude, I get that he's a real life superhero and that's your thing but…"_

_"He literally couldn't be lamer if he tried." Lori bluntly informed him._

_"But he can punch down walls!" Lincoln protested._

_"He runs around in a burgerfied costume, and his belt thingy is filled with Burpin' Burgers!" Leni groaned in horror. "It's totes a fashion disaster!"_

_"He literally looks like a lamer rip off of Ace Savvy." Lori confirmed. "And I didn't want to tell you this until you were older; but Ace is already pretty far down there."_

_Leni gagged, "underwear on the outside was never in Linky!"_

_"He's the butt of his own joke!" Luan laughed. "I don't even know what this guy is!"_

_The entire couch (sans Lincoln) actually laughed for once._

* * *

From finding out he was **him.**

If they ever found out not only would Mom probably put a stop to things (which would be fine after all the mockery Burger Brawler got online and in real life, but _someone_ had to clean things up and the police weren't doing their jobs!) but they'd probably mock him into oblivion too.

He sighed. Maybe he could just concentrate on making up his marks for a while instead, all those late nights were a killer on his tests…

But the burger themed alert signal in his utility belt blinked on as Lisa's scanner noticed someone in need of a rescue, so he pushed those thoughts away. Quickly he pulled off his regular clothes and fitted himself into the dumb costume, munching down a cold but empowering Burger from the secure pouches in his utility belt. Lori and the girls probably wouldn't really care if Lincoln Loud didn't come down for dinner that night.

He squeezed through his round window and bounced away from the multi-storey drop without a sound or injury, for dumb theme or not; Burger Brawler was the superhero keeping Royal Woods safe tonight!


	2. Making an Impact!

"What ya in for?"

"Murder, drugs, an' speedin'."

"Speeding?"

"Yeah, it's always the last one guys ask about. What about you?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, who else?"

"Ah, just some burglary. No rough stuff, just in and-"

The 'burgular' suddenly found himself cut off as a skinny man in the same orange jumpsuit as the other prisoners laughed and jumped down next to the two men. "Nah, nah, Jack here ain't no burglar- tell 'im what ya really are Jacky-boy!"

Jack scowled. "Don't ya fuckin-"

The skinny man reached over and 'playfully' ruffled what little hair Jack had. "Jacky-boy here worked protection for Big Bill downtown!"

"Big Bill?" The last man's widened. "You got picked up in that bust last month? You're one of _them_ ain't you?"

Jack grit his teeth, "it wasn't like that- we're hard but-"

"Save it small fry," the larger man stood up. "Go back to your table; I don't have time for _Burger Bitches_."

Jack opened his mouth, but the cold apathy of the larger, potential protector of a man silenced him. With utter embarrassment the convict reluctantly got up with his 'friend' and trudged back to the table where the rest of the Burger Brawler victims awaited.

The skinny man laughed, "Sorry Jack, buts us 'bitches' gotta stick together-"

"Shut the fuck up Nick."

* * *

"You know I heard that Burger Brawler saved fourteen people last night-"

"No one cares Lincoln!" Lola snapped.

"But-"

"Seriously dude, the entire country is laughing at us." Lynn groaned. "My last away game's crowd jeering was them just waving giant Burgers at us!"

The foam faux-meals had enraged the sporty sister to the point of striking out, but her team had carried on to victory anyway (which was a mixed blessing for her ego).

"Well you can't argue with success," Lynn Sr mused as he dished out dinner. "The streets are really clearing up nice, it's almost like when we were kids!"

"I know dear," Rita nodded, and Lincoln brightened for a moment. "But really; it's getting embarrassing. Royal Woods is a nice town and now all we're going to be known for is that silly man's costume!"

Lincoln deflated again.

"To his credit," The smartest sister raised her voice. "The criminals the police apprehend after the so called 'Burger Brawler's' interventions have a remarkably low rate of recidivism-"

"Obviously because no one wants to work with a Burger Bi- Buffoon," Lori quickly corrected herself lest she earn parental ire.

"Yeah, who's gonna go be criminals with a guy who lost to someone wearing _that_." Lynn snickered. "I heard the judge is just letting some crims go now, the perps reps are so trashed they _have_ to go straight!"

"But Burger Brawler has superpowers!" Lincoln protested, sure he was sort of happy that the criminals he beat up weren't being criminals anymore but because of _that_ reason?

"Yeah, sorry Bruv but BB ain't really what I'd call…" Luna mused for a moment. " _Intimidating_ now is 'e?"

"W-well, I guess not," Lincoln flubbed. "But he's-"

"Lame." Lynn dismissed.

"Not my cuppa tea," Luna shook her head.

"Literally the embarrassment of Royal Woods." Lori confirmed.

"A better joke then I could make!" Luan giggled then switched to an uncanny seriousness. "Seriously, I have competition wearing Burger costumes and cutting into my funny money, it's getting to be a real _problem_."

Lincoln looked between them and sighed, "I guess I understand- wait! Leni, what do you think about Burger Brawler?"

Leni hummed and looked up from where she was feeding Lily. "Hmm- I think he's cute!"

"See even Leni- wait what?" Lori's eyes snapped open, "I thought you said that his outfit was literally the lamest thing ever!"

"Oh it totes is," Leni shuddered. "Even the colour schemes are just _ew_ \- but he's all small and brave and I just want to gobble him up!"

"Well I'm glad _someone_ appreciates BB here " Lincoln cheered up. "C'mon guys, a real life superhero- who cares if he looks like a lame-"

"I'm totes gonna find him and get him a new costume!" Leni nodded with conviction.

That could be a problem, Leni was weirdly capable when she put her mind to something, Lincoln spoke up to try and dissuade her; "well maybe-"

"That's literally not a bad idea," Lori clapped. "I don't know why he chooses to look so lame, but if we can change his look then maybe rest of the country might _finally_ drop the Burger memes!"

"Yeah, go for it dude!" Luna encrouaged.

"Dang it," Lincoln muttered under his breath.

"And once we meet up- I'm going to take that silly mask off and give him a big warm hug for all his hard work!" Leni smiled.

The boy immediately perked up- his mask was good and solidly stuck on anyway and Leni hugs were the best hugs!

"And then," Leni continued. "I'm going to give him an even bigger _kiss_!"

Lincoln's smile froze.

"Eww, literally why?" Lori shuddered.

"Because he deserves one obviously!" Leni grinned.

Well that was still kinda nice.

"And because he's cute!" Leni sighed. "I wonder if he has a girlfriend?"

That wasn't though.

Lincoln shuddered at the thought of Leni going after the Burger Brawler, chasing him down and the drawing him close. The boy helpless as any strength powerful enough to break free would surely hurt her, and any harsh words would surely break her heart! His mind Leni drew close and give him a big romantic kiss on the lips and real life Lincoln gagged.

"Literally impossible," Lori rolled her eyes. "You can _smell_ the virginity coming off that costume."

"I-I agree with Lori," Lincoln fumbled, drawing attention himself with an uncommon criticism of his 'idol'. "Don't get me wrong, I like him but-"

"Well _I_ think he's wonderful!" Leni drew herself to her full height. "All he needs is someone to show him how to dress like a person and I know someone who does!"

Lori rolled her eyes. "Is it you?"

"Absolutely!" Leni put her hands on her hips. "Just you wait- I'm going to find him and make him all totes fab, for our _wedding_!"

Lori facepalmed, the girls as a whole gagged at her choice of partner and their parents sighed at another daughter with a crush (though really none had any grounds to complain after the Hugh incident). Lincoln was left alone at the table, contemplating exactly how his life had come to this.

"Dang it."


	3. Working with The Police?

Lincoln raced across the city excitedly, jumping from roof to roof with a light step.

Of course, this was nothing new, his super-powered legs carried him quicker than any car and fighting crime was always thrilling in a way- but tonight was special;

He was being summoned!

There; in the sky was a light with a burger shaped shadow in the middle. It didn't take Lisa to figure out that someone was emulating MidKnight's iconic signal!

And it was for him, all for him. Someone actually wanted to talk to him seriously, even if the light was hitting a blimp rather than the clouds ("that is practically impossible in real life male sibling" Lisa explained in her usual dry tone) it surely meant that the police wanted to work with him.

Things were finally looking up for him, and as he skidded to halt in the parking lot outside the police station he found himself validated to see a small army of police officers surrounding a massive light with a cardboard burger taped on the top.

"Burger Brawler?" The Police Chief stepped forward.

"Y-yeah!" He exclaimed, his cheerful voice reverberating with the voice changer in the suit throat "That's me!"

The chief was a visibly strong man, but getting on in years. He raised a gloved hand and Lincoln shakily extended it to shake, "I'm Chief Willis of the Royal Woods police department; I've heard a lot about you young man."

"You have?" Lincoln smiled, "I hope I made a good impression."

"Of course, we don't get many home grown… heroes like you." The man smiled. "In fact, we have something very special for you- a token of our appreciation for trying so hard to make our jobs easier."

"Oh you didn't have to get me anything," Lincoln flushed under his cowl. "I was just trying to help!"

"Oh we know, but we already got it so..." the man held his other hand out and a heavy suitcase was handed to him by a subordinate. "Why don't you close those eyes since it's a surprise?"

"O-okay!" His voice squeaked a bit in joy and he shut his eyes.

"Are you peeking?" The man's voice was cheerful.

"No!"

"Those lenses mean I can't see, so I have to trust you." The Chief laughed. "Cup your hands for me and I'll give it to you."

Feeling a bit silly, Lincoln obediently held his hands out together like he was cupping water- and suddenly felt and heard two hard clicks around his wrists. His eyes snapped open and he saw himself in a set of handcuffs.

He looked up at the suddenly humourless expression of Chief Willis with questions and betrayal.

"John Doe- also known as 'Burger Brawler'," the man glared down. "You are under arrest for Vigilantism, assault and destruction of public property. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law-"

"WHAT!?" He gasped, and drew back- the crowd of officers suddenly surrounding him. "I thought you wanted to work together!"

"Police and criminals don't mix." The Chief curtly replied. "Resist and we are prepared to use force to detain you."

Lincoln gaped for a second, then glared in defiance. "I've been beating up bad guys all month; how come you think you can take me?"

The Chief indicated to the handcuffs with a touch of smugness.

Lincoln rolled his eyes and pulled his wrists apart- snapping the chain with ease.

"… I guess it'll take time to kick in..." The Chief muttered to himself, the quiet words only bared picked by Lincoln's enhanced ears as the man backed up, and his officers did the same.

"What takes time to kick in?" Lincoln snapped, the only thing he could feel 'kicking in' was his temper.

The Chief said nothing in surprise, and Lincoln looked around in annoyance. "If you're not going to say anything, then can I go? I don't really feel like staying around-"

"Sure you don't want to taunt us about how much better of a job you're doing than us?" One of the officers called out.

"Yeah- rub it in why don't you!"

"No I-" Lincoln frowned. "You know what- I don't feel like sticking around to find out what you did."

He grabbed his left cuff and tore it off, shattering it in the process before doing the same with the other-

"STOP!" The Chief demanded, and all the police suddenly backed away with wide eyes. "YOU'RE GETTING IT EVERYWHERE!"

"Getting what everywhere-" Lincoln stared at the cuff debris for a moment.

The way they'd snapped had felt different from steel. "… what were those cuffs made of?"

The Chief was visibly sweating, and Lincoln noted for the first time that the gloves he wore looked rubbery rather than like something made of wool or leather.

"They were made of an element that our lab boys say weakens you." Willis stalled. "It's very dangerous- you could get someone _very_ sick they get even a bit on them-"

"What!?" Lincoln gasped, then started dusting himself off, if it could hurt him in his super-powered state then who knows what it could do to him when the serum wore off!? Heck, who knows what it could do to just the people who were near him!? "What is it?"

The Chief hesitated…

The comm in his ear suddenly buzzed, "base to BB," Lisa's modulated came through to his ear only. "I'm reading a slight, but unnatural increase in your suit's radiation levels, what's going on?"

"Radiation… " Lincoln gasped, then glared at the Police Chief. "This stuff is radioactive? What, did you try and poison me with Plutonium or something?"

The expression of the chief was stern, but slightly guilty. "We did what we had to do to-"

"Wait- _really_?" The boy looked around to see the confirmation in the faces of the Police around him. "And you all went along with this-OH FU-FRIG IT!" Lincoln turned and darted through the crowd of officers with his speed. "I wouldn't want to work with you anyway- you guys are _dicks_!"

* * *

"If it will put your mind at east, elder sibling," Lisa assured him from behind the decontamination shower curtain in her bunker. "My scans indicate that the spent fuel they used to make your constraints was well past use- so the rate and amount of exposure was insignificant, you very well could have simply gone to bed without issue. Pop-culture _greatly_ exaggerates the dangers of nuclear power-"

"Yeah sure, whatever Leese," Lincoln grumbled. Considering that Lisa Loud routinely lost her hair and had an ever changing amount of fingers and toes from that 'exaggerated danger' he wasn't taking his chances.


	4. Public Relations!

**BANG!**

Lincoln winced as the bullet struck his elbow, not piercing his skin or costume of course thanks to the Burger-formula and Lisa's special fabric. That said the boy wasn't outright invulnerable and knew he'd be nursing a nasty welt there for a few days.

"Hey- that hurt!" He protested, "you're just gonna lose anyway so-"

**BANG!**

"OW!" The bullet bounced off his exposed chin, this time actually breaking the skin but still ultimately breaking away. The formula would effectively ruin any DNA that possibly remained on the ricocheting slug and Lisa's special makeup could cover up the knick and bruise, but it still hurt!

"Seriously stop!" He whinged, glaring at the buff and well armed man. "You can _see_ this isn't working- haven't you seen any movies? The goons never win so just stop! You're just making me-

**BANG!**

When Lincoln Loud first put on the mask he had expected a few things, ridicule being only the most obvious.

Opposition? Sure, no one likes getting busted up, criminals most of all!

Horrible crime scenes? Absolutely; he was used to nightmares now.

What he had _hoped_ for was to break up the increasingly well organised criminals and their armed squads that were infiltrating Royal Woods, and he had largely succeeded within a few weeks. After all, even after the goons had switched to primarily guns rather than trying to outmuscle the little superhero they still didn't have anything to actually take him down with, even their more clever solutions of poison gas had only given him the runs thanks to the formula!

But one thing that he had _not_ hoped for or expected…

Was being shot in his testicles.

The pain hadn't registered yet as he stared at the criminal with disbelief, the big man giving him a smarmy smirk. The suit, aside from being durable didn't have much in the way of hard armour or padding- so a cup was out of the question. Instead the bullet bounced off as usual, but the soft and squishy bits down there bounced with the impact, thankfully not bursting or tearing, but easily sustaining enough damage to bruise to an almost literal set of blue balls across the next few hours.

"Yeah, ain't got nothin' for that do ya Bun Boy?" The thug drawled, and suddenly aimed with both hands at Lincoln's right eye-

Only for a _very_ angry red-gloved fist to break his jaw and send him flying into some trash cans. Staggering as the pain from his naughty bits radiated up to his tummy Lincoln could do little more than grab the sore parts and whimper as he hobbled away.

* * *

"… Burger Brawler reportedly left the crime scene after the assault took place-"

"Turn it off Lori," Lincoln groaned, slouching over the sofa.

"Oh how come Lincoln?" Lori laughed. "Don't you want to see your hero?"

There had been someone filming last night's incident, because of course there were. Royal Woods wasn't the most 'exciting' place, so something like Burger Brawler's 'adventures' was good for both Viewtube views and the local news channels ratings. Whoever it was had been hidden as Lincoln fought the gang at their warehouse, but had popped out the camera just in time to see Burger Brawler take a magnum round to his balls and shuffle away with both hands clenched over his groin.

Of course, that was what was getting sent around the news round- the little detail of the warehouse in question having belonged to one of the wealthier companies in town being used for illegal activities was a byline if there at all.

"Nah dude, change the channel already," Luna griped. "Sure it was funny this mornin', but it's been hours and it's _still_ on TV!"

"Burger Brawler stuff is good for their ratings," Luan sighed, looking up from her laptop, Mr Coconuts sitting next to her slumped over. "I can't say I blame them for jumping on the bandwagon."

"I counting that as two to two," Lori smirked. "And as the one in charge I say my vote counts for more- so lets see just what else our 'local hero' did this time!"

She relaxed as the news presenter continued with their story;

"The Brawler left sixteen alleged gang members hospitalised and released two captives before police arrived- one of the captives, one Jerome Schaltz had this to say;"

The camera cut to footage of an older man with tan skin and trembling lips; "I swear, I'm grateful; but for heaven's sake man _change your costume_."

Lincoln groaned, and grabbed the remote to switch it over, but his efforts to spare himself were in vain.

"Mr Krawshank's lawyers confirmed that her clients would be suing the City as well as The Burger Brawler;"

"City Hall has clearly been lax in their efforts to detain this criminal," the portly lawyer declared. "All the while benefitting from his excessive and unaccountable force- my clients are entitiled to-"

Lincoln clicked over again, ignoring the snickering from Lori.

"Mr Mayor, could you explain the motive behind this bounty?"

"I cannot and will not condone vigilantism in this city," the Mayor gruffly uttered. "Whatever this 'Burger Brawler's' contributions he remains a vigilante, and must be brought to justice for damaging public property and endangering the public- no further questions!"

"But Mr Mayor-"

"No further questions!"

Luna whistled. "Dang Linc… looks like your hero's gonna have to go underground!"

"Yeah, he's got lawyers _and_ the fuzz after him..." Lynn stopped bouncing her ball for a second. "And probably everyone who needs a dime. Hey; how much is that bounty again?"

* * *

A bit of research confirmed the report; the city had placed a reward for any information that revealed the true identity of Burger Brawler and/or contributed to his arrest. This is of course soured Lincoln considerably; not only did he go out night after night in that silly costume and get irradiated by the Police but now the people he was saving wanted him gone!

Also his balls were still swollen and throbbed horribly as he walked from school. Lisa had assured him there was no permanent damage though.

In between her decisively _unprofessional_ giggles of course.

"I think he might be wearing it to cheer the victims up," Clyde thought aloud. "I mean, he can punch through walls and stuff; why wouldn't he just get a better costume if it wasn't deliberate?"

The guys (and girl since Stella had joined) were talking about Burger Brawler again. Lincoln had been flattered for the first five minutes they'd done it the first time, until they started laughing at just how silly his theme was. Now weeks later of unending mirth at the hero's expense and Lincoln just wished they would find something new to talk about.

"Hey Stella, what's that thing you've been working on?" Lincoln tried to redirect the conversation.

"Oh, you mean this?" Stella pulled out a small machine. "It's nothing much, just something for class-"

"Hey Lincoln, why do you think BB dressed like a freakin' Burpin' Burger?" Rusty snorted. "I mean, obviously he's not trying to get laid but-"

"Eww Rusty; don't you think about anything else?" Stella made a face, her little machine stuffed back into her skirt pocket before Lincoln could find out what it did.

"I'm a healthy man Stella; I'm not gonna pretend otherwise!" The nasally-voiced eleven year old declared.

"Maybe he just doesn't have anything else to wear?" Lincoln threw out, hoping to avoid _another_ argument. "It could just be that's the only bullet proof stuff he has so he has to make do? You know, or his clothes would get blown off and he'd have to fight naked!"

"But why would he even have a bulletproof burger mascot costume in the first place?" Clyde wondered. "It's not like people do drive-bys at Burpin' Burger."

"I dunno, they sure like taking pop shots at _someone's_ burgers," Rusty snickered, and the rest of the group sans Lincoln Laughed. "I can't believe that guy got that on camera!"

Lincoln rolled his eyes. Even if the bounty was lifted tomorrow, there was no way he could reveal his identity; forget the danger from criminals (they were mostly just local thugs now anyway) between the government's opposition and the sheer mockery of his friends and family; the knowledge that he fought crime in that costume would surely ruin his life forever!


End file.
